We always think of mother as someone who is loving, caring, and selfless. She is the person who we look to for comfort and support. She kisses our boo boo’s and is our biggest cheerleader. Unfortunately for Willow, her mother wasn’t any of those things. She spent a lot of years trying to figure out why. One day, she found an article online called: “Why Daughters of Unloving Mothers attract Narcissists.” There, she found her answer. Her mother is a narcissist. Willow started educating herself. She found an online support group and read the other members stories. She could relate to just about every one of them. Then, she went to YouTube and watched dozens of videos. All of a sudden, everything made sense. That moment was both emotional and eye-opening for her. Many women, like Willow, are coming to this same conclusion.
Narcissistic mothers are often seen as “mother of the year” to the outside world. Behind closed doors, she is the total opposite. She is “always right”, self-centred, and relentless. Every now and then you get “love” but that doesn’t last. Most children just do what they need to do to please mother so that they can avoid her wrath. Willow’s mother was very active in her church. Willow and her brother had to participate in just about every church activity. Willow also got good grades in school. Everyone would give her mother praise. Willow would try her best to continue to do good to please her mother. Whenever she would try to express any of her own thoughts, mother would devalue her and make her feel like she wasn’t good enough. Her mother’s favourite phrase was, “Honor thy mother.” She used that to keep Willow in line.
Growing up, Willow did not get the proper guidance she needed to go out into the adult world.
Because she didn’t get validation from her mother, she looked for it in other places. This led to a lot of relationships with men who didn’t appreciate her.
After many years of being used and emotionally abused, she finally found her voice. Willow met a wonderful man who loved her just for her. He didn’t see her as damaged. He saw her as beautiful. His family welcomed her with open arms. Willow has two beautiful daughters who she loves dearly. She is motivated to have the kind of relationship with her daughters that she didn’t have with her own mother. Willow also sees a therapist and that helps a lot. She learns the things that she has missed out on, with the help of her fiance and his family. They are a great support system. For once in her life, Willow doesn’t feel alone.
If you are a survivor of a narcissistic mother, remember that it wasn’t your fault. Realizing that it wasn’t your fault is the hardest part of the healing process. Well, at least, for Willow. Find a support group and share your story. Once you get it out, it will be such a big relief. The best part is that you will be surrounded by people who will believe you. Educate yourself on narcissistic personality disorder. YouTube is a great resource. Read. The Journey by Meredith Miller really helped Willow in her healing journey. Most importantly, don’t rush your healing journey.
Be Kind to yourself. You’re a survivor.
Response from SeeTheUniverse:
I would just like to take this moment to thank Janera for sharing this short, important piece with us. There are many people who have had experience with narcissistic parents, and this is a nice piece of writing explaining that things can get better, that talking about the past is okay, there are various different support systems out there, you are never alone. Everyone’s healing journey is bound to be different, so do not compare your healing to others.
You can check out Janera’s newly launched blog here!